Tuesday, May 31

Only boring people are bored.

My day on a roll:

  • Woke up around 9am
  • Log on to facebook
  • Check notifications
  • Poke everyone back
  • Change from "Top News" to "Most Recent"
  • Have a little scroll down
  • Do the "Happy Birthday" ritual
  • Dad went online
  • Had a long chat with mom and dad
  • Go back to home page
  • I got bored
  • Log out on facebook
  • Ate lunch
  • Do the chit-chat ritual
  • Watched TV
  • Checked my blog
  • Checked my phone for messages
  • I got bored again
  • I feel sleepy
  • Played on my iPod
  • Got a call from my cousin
  • It was dinner already
  • I don't feel hungry
  • I skip dinner
  • Blogging about my day in a bullet form
  • Now I'm done
  • Will post it in a minute
  • Head back to my room
  • Gonna watch a movie
  • zZzzZzzzZzZZ
I'm still wearing my PJ's last night.
Which means, I didn't shower today. 
But, I don't smell awful.
I swear. 
Oh Noooo. Its true. 
Good bye! 

Love, Angel

Growing up.

I guess this is growing up. Tear strained pillows every night, staring naked at yourself in the mirror, waiting for a text that will never come. Wishing for impossible things, like narrower thighs or prettier hair. Trying to get your tongue pierced, wanting to get a tattoo. It's a viscous cycle of being too scared to help someone else, and feeling abandoned by everyone when they are the same. Growing up is feeling self-conscious enough about yourself to break down crying in your room late at night, or even in a school bathroom. And the horrible panicking comes when you realize you forgot your phone at home. When your parents are screaming at you about your grades, and screaming at you because you came home drunk, and screaming at you because they hate your friends, and screaming at you because you are a big mess, and you just can't do anything right. I don't think I will ever know if its just me that is passing time like this, so painfully, or if I am just crying over something that everyone else can be brave about.

When you get to know someone, all their physical characteristics start to disappear. You begin to dwell on their energy, recognize the scent of their skin. You see only the essence of the person, not the shell. That's why you can't fall in love  with beauty or looks. You can lust after it, be infatuated by it, want to own it. You can love it with your eyes and your body, but not your heart. That's why growing up is when you connect with a person, and any physical  imperfections disappear, it become irrelevant.

Razors pain you.
Rivers are damp.
Acids stain you.
Drugs cause cramps.
Guns aren't lawful.
Nooses give.
Gas smells awful.
You might as well live.

Love, Angel

Monday, May 30

My future plan.

Mmmm. I haven't really thought about it for a long time. I don't know, maybe I just get preoccupied by so many things. But lately, I felt the need to write my thoughts about it. You know, just for the sake of reminding myself.

Time is really in a quick phase. I remember getting into college and thought of it like a dream come true. I can now do what I want, meet new people, go to different places, and just have fun. And yes, I got it right. I really had fun doing the things I want. But I realized that college is not all about that stuffs, not about just meeting new people and having fun. It's really about something more important, my future. I may sound like a 40 year old adult or a counselor or whatever, but that is true. I mean, everything about college will determine what future I am going to have. So then, I started to realized that I am very much blessed that I have a parents that really supported me all the way. My dad is really strict, He always have plans, and you have to follow it, whether you like it or not. When he say something, you shouldn't question it. You just have to say yes in everything. And way back to the time that I don't understand things, all I did was to curse him inside my mind, say bad things to him and disobeyed him. But now, I can say I am a total jerk.

Phew! Thank God, I was able to see things in a bigger picture. I realized what I really want. And that is to have a better future and be the best in my chosen career. Few weeks from now, classes will resume again. And I'm already an incoming 3rd year. Which means, 3 more years until I graduate from college. And when that time comes, I guess, I will be pursuing my Masteral degree in the US. Dad and I are talking about that for almost everyday. He wants me to take up my masteral degree at the University of Austin in Texas, which was really great since my grandma lives in Texas. And I can say, Texas was really a nice place. I mean, the house, the people, the environment and the weather is just amazing.

So I can't possibly know if you have read one of my old posts about my parents trip to the US. Well, they decided to go on a vacation for about a month. They went back to Texas and will be visiting some of our relatives in Chicago and Las Vegas. Unfortunately, my brother was supposed to come with them but classes are about to start few weeks from now, and mom didn't allow him to miss his classes. That's why I'm stuck here babysitting him. But enough for my future plan. I should worry about my plans while dad and mom are still in Texas. 

Okay. I'm done.
Go on. Live your lives.
While I am stuck here at home.
Rambling about my future plan. 

Love, Angel

Sunday, May 29

There's still beauty in the broken

I wasn't able to go to church today because of what happened this morning. I was getting ready and dressed up and then my older sister and I had a fight. Well, actually it started this way. I was telling her to come with us and ditched out her plans for today. Since Mom and Dad are still in the US for their vacation, I was the one who is responsible here at home. So I was expecting some cooperation and concern from her. Of course, I cannot do it alone. But I guess, the opposite is happening. I mean, she's really getting out of control. And yes, it was really hard. I burst out into tears, and started crying. The room was then filled with anger and sadness. Everyone was shouting, trying to control the situation. And then, she threw my phone away and the next thing I know it was already in pieces.

I don't know what to do anymore. I just cried, until no more tears left. Yes, she maybe won the fight but I gained something. I gained something more important than anything. I realized that there are some things that you cannot choose. There are some things you cannot change. And the only thing you can do is to accept it and suck it up. In life, I have made so many mistakes, that haunts me down. But I don't want those mistakes to be the reason why my life is a big mess but I want it to be the reason why I am way better now.

Changed. Simple word that means a lot to me. I maybe someone messed up of fucked up in the past. But what really important is that I CHANGED. And now, looking back at my mistakes, it doesn't really disturbed me anymore. I mean, I can now totally talked about it openly with other people. I guess, the key is that you just have to accept that you want a change, that you want to be better and stick to it. Well I can say it's hard, some people won't understand you. But in the end, what matter is that you know that you are not the same anymore. And I thanked God for that. For everything. God doesn't give up on me. And I know exactly in my heart that I don't want to get back to the way I used to be.

My point is that, we don't have to follow the trend. We don't have to follow what the world is saying. We don't have to do something bad, just to fit in. Sometimes, we have to take the opposite way to stand out among the crowd. We have to choose what we want. We have to decide on our own and ignore what might people will say. It's all about us realizing what is right. Remember: There's still beauty in the broken it's just harder to find. We just have to look at things differently. And be more positive that one day, everything will be okay. It may take too long, but I am sure the time will come.

Love, Angel